He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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