dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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