Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
