i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
