he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Randomize
