Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
