when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
you had me at cake vodka
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
