I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I have aggressive nipples.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
