Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
