I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
