Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
