No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
cat food counts as protein by the way
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?