Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.