once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
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I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
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I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.