I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
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Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
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don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone