I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
