Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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