also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
