last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
