I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
should my penis look like a turkey
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
