What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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