Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
