I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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