and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
