we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
