we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
