I think I won the penis lottery.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
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