I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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