My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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