no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
