i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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