i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Randomize
