if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
