just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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