Pregnant stripper...not hot.
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
