I just made out with a guy for $7.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
