so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
