last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
