Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
