we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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