I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
