I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
