The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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