Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
