It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
