Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
