i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
