is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
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And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
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To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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