I faked an abortion last night.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
