I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
