Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Randomize
