so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
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I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
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The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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