dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
We named our party play list daddy issues
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
