I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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