But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Randomize
