ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
