She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
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We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
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you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party