do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
