its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
How does it feel to date your dad?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN