i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE