He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
