once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
