Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize