The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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