remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Quick, to the slutcave!
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
