DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
